Note: I’m not a security professional. I’m also not a lawyer. This is my experience and my opinion only. If you receive a threatening message, contact the police immediately. Do NOT respond to that message. Do NOT engage the person sending the message.
I thought long and hard before writing this post. I’m usually happy-happy on this blog. I also know that talking about this problem will likely bring me to the attention of the unwell people causing this problem.
But recently I’ve seen posts shaming hate mail senders, posts about interacting (in a humorous way) with online scammers and creepers and it makes me nervous. The folks sending hate mails or creepy messages are either professional criminals or mentally unwell. Neither of these groups responds well to being mocked.
Why We Should Treat This Shit Seriously
Back in the early days of blogging, a buddy of mine was one of the few women posting in the very male-dominated business blogosphere. Many men liked that she was blogging. They supported her, cheered for her. Some men hated it. They wanted to hurt her blog. A few men, one in particular, hated not only her blog but my blogging buddy. They wanted to hurt her.
One hater sent her increasingly threatening and increasingly personal emails. He would show up, using different identities, at all of her online events. He knew things about her that she hadn’t posted. We refer to this now as online stalking.
My blogging buddy was worried. She mentioned it to some of her fellow bloggers. They told her that all bloggers have some unwell people following them, that it comes with the role, with being high profile. What they forgot to tell her was she should have been worried. She should have been taking precautions.
One night, she returned home after a meeting. The hater was waiting for her with a knife. He hurt her in all of the ways a man can hurt a woman. She survived. Barely. He went to jail. My blogging buddy was never the same. She moved. She changed her name. She stopped blogging. To this day, she doesn’t have an online presence (and I’m respecting that decision by not mentioning her name or the blog she once owned).
It Couldn’t Happen To Me
But-but-but, you say, I’m a baby writer/blogger/reviewer. No one knows I’m alive.
When I started my business blog (under another pen name), my first readers were women-hating men. When my first short story was published (Dragon Lord’s Mate), I attracted an unwell reader, a woman who regularly sent me hate mail.
If you’re online, you could attract one of these scary stalkers. If you’re a writer/blogger/reviewer, it increases your chances of being their target.
An Ounce Of Prevention
In an ideal world, we shouldn’t have to protect ourselves. We should be able to write or blog openly and feel safe doing so.
This isn’t the ideal world.
We can only control what WE do and what we can do is minimize the risks.
Consider…
– Using a pen name
– Using nicknames for your loved ones (like calling your hubby…well… hubby)
– Not posting your physical address. Instead, use a P.O. Box or your agent’s address or your publisher’s address (many publishers are fine with this)
– Not posting photos of your house
– Not posting other personal details like where you’re vacationing or where you work or where your kids go to school
– Saying ‘no’ to requests for personal information. I don’t share my photo or my address, two pieces of personal information many writing gurus say are musts to share. Most readers, reviewers, bloggers understand. They want to keep writers safe also.
This will not only make the personal information more difficult for a scary stalker to track down but it will tell you when threatening messages reach the ‘get your ass to a police station immediately and insist the police officers act on the threat’ level.
If your scary stalker mentions something you didn’t talk about on social media, he/she isn’t merely talking scary stuff, he/she is taking action. He/she is hunting you. You should take action also.
Hating Your Book vs Hating You
There’s a big difference between a reader hating your book and a reader hating you.
Hating Your Book
We’re writers. One of our goals is to inspire fierce emotion in readers. We’d prefer that this fierce emotion is love but sometimes it will be hate. Every story, even the much loved classics, have haters.
If you attract enough readers, some of them will send you messages about how much they loved your recent release and some of them will send you messages about how much they hated your recent release. These messages and the reader’s love/hate should be centered around your book and/or your characters, not you.
Many writers recommend not engaging these readers. I usually respond with a message like “Thank you for reading (my title). I’m sorry (my title) disappointed you. Every book I write, every character I explore is different. I hope you’ll like (my next release).” I don’t try to change the reader’s mind because I won’t. Her view of the book is set. Her view of me as a writer and as a person isn’t.
Note: If any of these messages make you feel unsafe in any way, contact the police. This includes love mail as well as hate mail.
Hating You
When the hate mail turns personal, don’t hesitate—Contact the police. If the sender talks about doing harm to you or to your loved ones or he/she mentions anything personal that you haven’t shared online, go to the police. Don’t mess around with this. Walk your ass into a police station.
Taking Action
If you feel unsafe, contact the police and explain what is going on. If your scary stalker knows personal things about you that he/she shouldn’t, stress that it is serious. Insist that the police take action. This is an extremely dangerous situation.
You should NOT take action on your own. I’ve spoken with many police officers over the years. One recommendation that remains constant and is stressed is NOT TO ENGAGE the scary stalker. Do NOT respond, in ANY way. That means no posting the message on Facebook, no public shaming (Even if the name of the sender is hidden or deleted, he/she is stalking you. He/she WILL see it.), no mocking the stalker.
What Readers Can Do
If your favorite writer/reviewer/blogger has a person hanging around them (online or physically) that you feel uncomfortable about, contact them. Ask them if they know the person.
If that favorite writer/reviewer/blogger is scared, recommend that she/he contact the police. Do NOT take action on your own. Do NOT engage the scary stalker. Do NOT share posts about the scary stalker. This will only make the situation worse.
Understand if your writing/reviewing/blogging buddy doesn’t wish to share her/his more personal information (an example would be giving you their address so you can send a holiday card to them). It is easy for a scary stalker to pretend to be you online and get the information through your friendship. Don’t give him/her that power.
The Good News
There is good news.
Most people who send hate mail don’t progress past that step. I receive at least one angry email a day and I haven’t been physically confronted by any of those senders. I still take each one seriously as you should but I’m not hiding out in an underground bunker.
The police are better trained to deal with these situations. They take hate mail seriously and they often have some great advice on how to handle it.
And the scary stalkers are the exception. Most of the folks in Romanceland are kind, supportive, wonderful people. They believe in love and optimism and hope. These are the readers we write for, the readers we should focus on.
Be safe!
Subscribe To My Release Day Newsletter: http://tasteofcyn.com/2014/05/28/newsletter/
He wants one night. I want forever.
Hit it and quit it—that’s Smoke Sheridan’s relationship philosophy. The tall, dark, and dangerous club owner never spends more than one night with any woman. He seduces the broken-hearted, leaving them with smiles on their faces and a sexual confidence other men can’t resist.
I need his services.
My boyfriend of four years dumped me because I’m a lousy lay. Smoke can help me win him back, teach me how to make my man writhe in ecstasy. I’ll show him such bliss, he’ll bellow my name in the dark of the night, want me with an all-consuming desire.
This sounds like a great plan. Except I see the loneliness in Smoke’s eyes, feel the wistfulness in his touch, experience the wanting in his embrace. The player isn’t as shallow as he appears.
And I’ve never been good at letting go.
One And Done contains inappropriate humor, very bad pickup lines, a BBW heroine who doesn’t know what she’s doing and a player who thinks he does.
This is a standalone story.
Buy Now:
On Amazon US: https://www.amazon.com/One-Done-Cynthia-Sax-ebook/dp/B01FOVMF70
On Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/One-Done-Cynthia-Sax-ebook/dp/B01FOVMF70
On ARe: https://www.allromanceebooks.com/product-oneanddone-2040641-340.html
On Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/one-and-done-cynthia-sax/1123809444
On Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/en-us/ebook/one-and-done-1
